A (Pre)history of Running by Dick Waldron
Editor's Note: Monday and Thursday morning runs are not happening - yet - but they should be soon (end of March?)- watch this website and Whatsapp groups for updates.
The Gospel according to Dick
The Eleventh Commandment
And so it came to pass, that God laboured for six days on worldly matters, he then took a day off.
On day eight feeling at a loss, thought deeply about what to do next in his master plan.
He tempted Adam and Eve with an apple, but he soon tired of this and decided to chuck them out.
So he gave them the heave ho, and sent them to a far distant land. Watching them move away towards the far distant land, he wondered what a strange gait they had developed.
God thought about this, since he had invented everything else on earth, he thought he had better create a name for this new way of moving.
He pondered for a while, then declared, I will call this
“Rapidus Urbanus Naturali”
“RUN” for short.
In the absence of the Internet, God called up a friend named Moses.
Moses! When you carve out the other commandments, I want you to add another one “Thou shalt Run”
And so it came to pass that the decree was spread far and wide.
As time passed however, it became obvious to the Elders that a problem existed with this “Running”. Village populations were getting smaller, and they realised that if they obeyed this last commandment the village would soon be empty.
Faced with this dilemma, the Elders approached God.
Some time passed before he returned. “I have pondered the problem and solved it”
You will devise a “ROUTE”
A route shall cause you to cross terrains of differing natures, you will rise hills and descend into the valleys, thou shall run in the sun, rain, snow and wind, but most important, you shall at some point turn around and return from whence you came.
If you abide by this guidance, the problem shall be solved.
One further thing you must do on completion of this run is to say
“I really enjoyed that”
This must be said, despite all feelings of tiredness pain and abject sickness.
And so the masses did run. They ran fast, they ran slow, they ran short and they ran long. But most importantly they returned and chanted as God commanded.
However, in the early days God did espy that “runners” appeared to be enjoying running, and this puzzled him for it did begin as a punishment.
“I know” he said to himself. Just as the tribes of old had disease, famine, plague and pestilence, I will create a new set for runners.
“Stitch” “Cramp” “Shin splints” “Damaged limbs” “Falling over” and the worst one of all “Chaffing” did plague the runners. To complete the suite he created one final gesture the “Pit stop”
This requires the runner to leave the group, depart into the undergrowth, perform bodily functions and return smiling to the group. On their return they were required to declare “I really needed that!”
And so it came to pass that the urge to run, became an inherent part of being, and through the ages of time, groups did gather together in order to follow the eleventh commandment
“Thou shalt Run”
Thus a group did form, a mighty group called
“Cirencester Athletics Club”
And from within this mighty group, a subset did form, this group being open to all members of the mighty group.
On Mondays and Thursdays of every week they continue to meet at about 0900hrs within a temple of fitness called the
“Cotswold Leisure Centre”
Then after completing a starting ritual they do embark upon a “route”
On a Mondays, they do test themselves for a period of about one hour. Thursdays they do run for periods in excess of one and a half hours. During this time they subject themselves to great torture, running faster than a winged arrow, ascending hills one of such size, that it is called “Big Bertha”
If indeed this is representative of a real person she was surely of formidable dimensions, possibly silicone enhanced.
After the “RUN” they do hold with tradition and say
“I really enjoyed that”
Although on many occasions the sincerity of some individuals may be brought to question.
But most importantly, they do suffer the afflictions created by God.
“Stitch” “Cramp” “Shin splints” “Damaged limbs” “Falling over”
most are suffered in silence.
However, despite the sensitive areas on which “chaffing” doth take place one runner takes great pride in declaring exactly where it has occurred, and on occasion has exposed the part to both the elements and her fellow runners.
The “pit stop” is surely a plague on female runners, for along the routes there are secret signs which attract the females into the undergrowth to perform the task.
One such route became famous with the chariot drivers passing “Perrots Brook” for they did queue on the Bypass to see the event take place on Thursday mornings.
Within the world of Runners there is a guidance which states
“Run, Rest and Recuperation” this shall be thy mandate.
We the subset, have devised our own mandate, and it is against this we run,
“Fun, Friendship and Ferapy(Sorry)”
If you want to find out about: Stretch Marks, Waxing, Brazilians, GMT, or is it PMT, the best wines, the best hangover cures, free sports injury consultations and much more then join us.
We take our running seriously, we use all of the available routes around Cirencester, you run in company, never are you left on your own, you will visit areas in which you may feel uncomfortable running alone.
But of utmost importance we have “Fun, Friendship and Ferapy(Sorry)”
Day off? Bored? Want to escape?
Then join us, you will be welcome.